[Elena is an accomplished concert pianist by
education and training. Her life took a new turn when she listened to UG's dialogs. After 30+ years of being a pianist she no longer
practices or plays piano and hardly even listens to the classical music
which was her field of expertise. I am grateful to Elena who has been kind
to share at our Blog a few tidbits of her experiences - ramesam.]
I never looked for any moksha, liberation and yet
what Ramesam describes….., it hits home every time. I first come across
something extraordinary for me and then some time later an explanation comes
from unexpected sources.
Not only I have not realized at that time that I am "realized," I didn't even stop to notice all the
bewildering phenomena that started leaking into my daily life seemingly out of
nowhere, creating symmetrical events that were intertwined also with
dreams. And also having recognition of this same thing permeating my earlier
life, but without recognition. Now I see it. Knowing that I was not
likely to find a satisfactory explanation for those, I never asked or mentioned
it.
I now witness the world as if my mind
itself is symmetrically shaped. Earlier, there was a me, a dog, a
cat, a president out there - all standing on their own. Now the feeling is we
are all drawn in one stroke by some giant pencil that never ever was taken
off paper at all. And I see symmetrical events appearing almost daily. People,
fabrics, buildings, cars, jobs, actions of myself or others, photographs,
plants, all intertwined, often in the funniest of ways, logic-forgotten and irrelevant.
It is totally bewildering.
My life began immersed in music and piano. I was called
a "prodigy," a "talent," was accepted into one of Russia's
most prestigious and rigorous music schools of the time. Later I
delved into philosophy as well.
I did a lot of reading all by myself. I liked
solitude, reading, playing piano. I did have friends and was highly
secular and social, partly due to constantly performing. From Kant and
Schopenhauer to Goethe, Metherlink to Thomas Mann, to even Marx and
Lenin - my reading was paramount. I was not satisfied. I never thought of
looking into bible. There was no bible in Russia. Later, when I
could look into it, I experienced complete aversion, closed it and never went
back to it.
At some point in the 90's, I read Bhagavad-Gita and
Mahabharata, because someone put these two books in my hand. I think I got rather deeply impressed; I even went
to a couple of Hare Krishna's meetings, appreciated what was said there, declared
to my parents that Krishna alone was God. That unsettled them terribly. God was
never talked about in my family, not at all. But nothing happened, life went
on, nothing developed into anything.
I immigrated to US in 1993 after the collapse of
the USSR.
***
I had my share of difficulties before
establishing my piano studio, launching on a lucrative teaching career,
performing, working in UW School of Music, recording, playing with orchestras
etc. I was a busy piano teacher with a lot of students, bringing up my son from
first marriage, divorce from the second husband etc. During that time,
I came across UG Krishnamurti's video. I picked it up in a
library thinking that it was another Jiddu Krishnamurti talk.
Making long story short, 11 years of listening to
UG's every word followed, internalizing it and holding up to it all the
daily events like a cashier might hold to light a $100 bill to check if it is
real. Three years on into this practice,
though no one told me what I should do, I stopped teaching. I stopped most of
piano activities. I let go of that piano-self, the only self
I've known. Not that I would recommend this sort of thing to
others. In my case after hearing to UG, piano just could not stay.
A barrage of odd jobs followed.
One week I was without any cash after
having paid rent and bills. The next paycheck was several days away. With 50c
in my pocket, I went to the store to get a banana. Upon exiting the
store I saw a sealed cold gallon of milk, standing right by the door on
the street side. I waited. No-one came. I took the milk. Now looking back I
call it Brahman's Milk! This - after being able to afford two cars, a luxury
apartment in Kirkland, pleasure trips etc. I was a self-made pauper, and was
aware of it. But I never once thought of going back to piano or teaching. Since
that time objects started to appear in a strange way, or come into view at just
the moment of corresponding thought appearing - as if there is a
person there responding to me.
At 49, I had my own ‘calamity’ in the
form of advanced cancer. But because I was already out of dualistic thinking
patterns, I treated it as unreal. I didn't even realize I was that ill. It then
felt like I was just a salt doll falling down the ocean. There was no more
thinking - and yet I was still there. I thanked the cancer for showing me the
depth of that ocean...It was right after that I started getting rapidly much
better to everyone's shock and surprise.
About a week before I saw Ramesam’s Video
“You are Brahman," I was in a strange state.
I kept asking myself: if I am here and I go over
there, did I go over there? No, because when I am over there, in that
"over there," I will still be “here.” So I cannot really stay
‘here,’ go over ‘there’ and from ‘here’ say to myself - I am over ‘there.’ I
can never be "over there" and look at myself from ‘here.’ So I am
only and always “here.” Then how come I can also go over there at the same
time? That is like I am already there, waiting for me to go there, and meeting
myself that is coming there. That means that “I” am some sort of a ‘space’
that is here, there and everywhere. And these hundreds of spatial and time
coincidences I have been witnessing for some time in bewilderment fell somewhat into this "I am a space" formula. I
am a place I said to myself, and was done.
One day coming home I was stopped
in my tracks with the "You are Brahman" video. As I was
watching it, Ramesam was describing exactly the
processes that were happening and I have been trying to get my mind around for
several years. "That's IT" I said to myself.
For you to realize how deeply
unfamiliar I am with Brahman discussions outwardly - I only heard the name
Brahman from Ramesam's video. I never ever heard what satsang meant
until now. I only listened to UG and was deaf to everyone else until Ramesam
came into view.
Tears came down spontaneously. It
was like there was UG Krishnamurti in the beginning of being instructed from
within, putting UG there, next to one's heart, and closing all other
venues of influence. And now this video saying “You are Brahman” after an
incubation of about 11 years. I didn't know of Brahman, because I never heard UG
using this word in his interviews. I did never aim at being “brahman.” That’s
why I say my story is certainly up the Creek with no canoe.
***
I am of the view that there is no
thought and no mind separate from the body. It is one whole process. And the
body consists of just diamond-like eternal structure, completely symmetrical,
completely objective. That's THE BODY. This structure has a way to squeeze
impurities out of itself – a mechanism of nature. I don't know more. But the
direct experience of the diamond structure is very clear, in hundreds of
incidences, I lost count. It is funny that UG never talked about such things,
and they appeared in my life without warning.
For example, the other day "I" thought
of going out and getting a white paper for the printer. "I" is going
to a Safeway store. On the way suddenly it sees a posh car. The car is
making lots of noise, and as "I" is looking on, the car makes an unauthorized
U-turn, goes into a parking lot in front of 7/11 store that "I" is
passing by at that moment. The car begins to park facing the "I"
whereas all other cars are parked the opposite way.
"I" proceeds to its
Safeway destination. On its way "I" thinks, "I should also
get a candle wick, and Safeway won't have it, but the Rite Aid might".
"I" heads in another direction, enters Rite Aid store, searches for
candle wick, does not find it, takes some white printing paper and the cashier
at the register says the total to be paid is $7.11.
I that wanted something, went somewhere,
changed its mind – it was like surfing through symmetrical structure of some
sort . At no point in this occurrence a preplanned ‘thinking’ can be
pinned on me. Was 7/11 and $7.11 just waiting out there on the street for me to
come and check it out? "I" doesn't even come into it.
A more recent example is what happened when I went
for a walk after attending to some e-mail correspondence with Ramesam. I found
a white paper lying on the sidewalk with the word "Free". I liked the
word. I picked it up, put it in my purse. After some time I am returning home,
and a bus, an empty bus, suddenly stops as I happen to pass by the bus shelter.
A friendly driver offers a ride, says “I am going this way anyway, and it is
the end of my shift. The ride is Free.”
I think at that moment: "This is a new
one. After a lifetime of waiting for the bus, running after the bus, collecting
the right fare for the bus, being in over-crowded buses, especially in my years
in Russia, as there were not too many cars back then, suddenly here is the bus,
just for me, and I didn't have to wait for it, I didn't do anything. And it is
Free! It was then I remember the paper with the word "Free" in
my purse.
***
I decided to make a mala the
other day, gave it to my son. In the next few days his girlfriend is
finding a new job position, her new boss's name is Mala. It goes on and on
here. Drawn with one pencil-all the way through. All-pervasive.